The Dishwasher

CHARACTERS 

PENNY and BARRY, a young married couple 

SETTING 

Loads of clean washing piled on a clothes dryer next to a door, a table next to a window 

(At rise, Penny is staring out of the window with binoculars. Barry enters. Impressed, he touches the laundry.) 

Penny 

Hi, darling, you’re home early. (Puts the binoculars on the table.) Did you have a good day? 

Barry 

Brilliant, thanks. You’ve been busy, I see. 

Penny 

A woman’s work is never done. 

Barry 

Such is life. What’s so interesting out there, or are you becoming the nosy neighbor now? 

Penny 

What, little old me? 

Barry 

I know. It’s Tom the Woodpecker, isn’t it, back from his holidays at last, right? 

Penny 

It’s Fred. 

Barry 

Fred? 

Penny 

Fred the woodpecker, and no, he’s not back yet. 

Barry 

You know, I’m compelled to ask how it is that for the last five years you find mistakes in everything I say? 

Penny 

It’s six years, Barry. 

Barry 

Damn. (Examining the laundry) 

Talk about being right all the time—as we were—whatever happened to my Google T-shirt? 

Penny 

I’ve lost you. 

Barry 

Well, I’ve lost it. You know the one: “I don’t need Google anymore cos I got Married.” I mean, never got to wear it and now I can’t find it. 

Penny 

(Moving his hands off the laundry) 

Well, apart from the fact that men can never find anything even when it’s under their nose, I decided to give it to George as a birthday present from us. He was over the moon. 

Barry 

Now, there’s a reaction I can empathize with. Good old George. 

Penny 

Actually, I’m worried about Beth. She and George seem to be having an almighty row in their garden. 

Barry 

Ah, got the answer to that one—met him in the pub at lunch time. 

Penny 

And? 

Barry 

Well, you’re not going to believe this, but Beth went out and actually bought a dishwasher, of all things. 

Penny 

And what’s wrong with that, if I may ask? 

Barry 

Wrong with that? It’s a step too far, that’s what’s wrong with that. 

Penny 

But it’s only a dishwasher, for God’s sake. 

Barry 

Well, it’s the last straw, at least as far as George is concerned. 

Penny 

Bit of an overreaction if you ask me. 

Barry 

Focus, Penny. Don’t you see it? I mean, they’re just like us, for God’s sake. 

Penny 

What, dishwashers? 

Barry 

No—are you kidding? There’s just the two of them, like us. 

Penny 

Ah, how true. But so what? 

Barry 

Let’s just take a step back so you can see the reality of the extreme folly at play here. 

Penny 

Folly? Sorry, Barry, I’m not on the same page. 

Barry 

Look, it’s not rocket science. Take breakfast, for example. I mean, what do they use? Let’s say a couple of plates, cups, butter knives, spoons, and possibly eggcups—just like us, right? 

Penny 

Yeah, okay. That sounds reasonable. But do, please, elucidate. 

Barry 

My pleasure. So, back to breakfast. What are we looking at, eh? I’ll tell you, plain and simple. Two, three minutes tops to hand-wash and dry—all done and dusted. 

Penny 

So? 

Barry 

So dishwashers for two people are just a waste of money, aren’t they? Come on, Penny! Get real. 

Penny 

But dishwashers support the family unit. They’re cost effective and convenient. And you never know: there may be more of us—one day. 

Barry 

(Ecstatic) You’re pregnant? 

Penny 

(Laughing) Not yet! 

Barry 

Ah! ... erm … Look, men might not know everything or be able to multitask like you ladies, but one thing we do well, for sure, is to think logically and not … erm … emotionally. We think things through—right? 

Penny 

But men don’t listen. 

Barry 

Sorry, missed that. What did you say? 

Penny 

There you go. Exactly my point. 

Barry 

I’m confused. 

Penny 

Par for the course, dear. You see ,a woman’s role is to be on hand to clarify the realities that sometimes seem to escape men. 

Barry 

And we’re all, I’m sure, so incredibly grateful for that—I think. 

Penny 

So, what’s George so concerned about? 

Barry 

Well, two main things. One, if you’ve got a dishwasher, the likelihood is that you need, by definition, to keep filling it. I mean, that’s what it’s there for, right? 

Penny 

Okay so far. And the second? 

Barry 

So three meals a day. So again, by definition, you put all that stuff in the dishwasher as you go, right? 

Penny 

That’s the idea. 

Barry 

Yes, but that won’t fill it. Will it? 

Penny 

I’m listening. What about dinner parties? That’s a lot of stuff to deal with. 

Barry 

Yeah, but how often is that? I mean, once a month on average, and when we have one—you cook, fantastic meals, of course, but I usually wash up by hand and dry the stuff. And how long does that take? I’ll tell you—ten, fifteen minutes tops! 

Penny 

Probably true, give or take. Still waiting for the second point. 

Barry 

But neither Beth and George, nor us for that matter, are restaurants. And, by the way, George has discovered a sinister aspect lurking in the whole dishwasher scenario. 

Penny 

Really. What’s that? 

Barry 

Ah, now we come to the second and most crucial point. In fact, the crux of the whole problem—namely, buttons. 

Penny 

Buttons. I’m all ears. 

Barry 

Do you remember, back in those halcyon days when mobiles landed? 

Penny 

You’ve lost me again. What’s that got to do with it? 

Barry 

Bear with me—remember what I said about men being logical. Well, no longer did we need to stop at those red boxes to make a phone call. We became liberated. We could ring people from anywhere at any time, right? 

Penny 

Right. But I’m still lost. 

Barry 

Well, now it’s all Smart Phones with never-ending options, i.e., loads of buttons. 

Penny 

We’re still off-track. But I’ll run with you. 

Barry 

Of course, I believe phones should be about calling people and I know George feels exactly the same. It’s crystal clear—it’s all about buttons. 

Penny 

Really—so we’re back to that again? 

Barry 

Yeah. You talk about the need to clarify things? Well, now poor George is faced with loads of them. Too many options to deal with to get the stupid dishwasher going. Plus an eight-page manual of instructions to boot. 

Penny 

Okay, but let’s face it. George has serious problems even in dealing with the TV controls, for God’s sake, or so Beth tells me. Hence his reluctance to get a Smart Phone. You two are like two peas in a pod. 

Barry 

Okay, I’ll let that one go. But take my sister, for example. 

Penny 

Wish somebody would. 

Barry 

Pardon? 

Penny 

Nothing. 

Barry 

Well, if you’ve noticed that when we’ve had dinner there, she actually—rinses—all the dishes—before she puts them in her machine. I mean, what’s that all about, then? 

Penny 

Yes, I’ve noticed that, but I’ve no experience in using them. So I can’t really comment. 

Barry 

Back to the issue in hand, Penny. If they fill the machine after every meal, that means buying a whole load of new plates, cutlery et cetera just to keep up with demand. Meanwhile, it just sits there, waiting for its voracious appetite to be sated by devouring the aforementioned—until the thing is full. 

Penny 

That’s a point I would need to reflect on. 

Barry 

Well, reflect on it. Anyway, we’ve got everything we need. But I’m wondering about an exercise machine. 

Penny 

Why? 

Barry 

Well, I think it’s a great idea and, as I said … erm … we’ve got everything else we need. 

Penny 

Interesting. So who’s going to use it? 

Barry 

Well, your sister’s got one. Helps to keep her figure in trim. 

Penny 

So you’re saying I’m fat? 

Barry 

Of course not. 

Penny 

You like her, don’t you? 

Barry 

Of course I do. She’s your sister. 

Penny 

Do you think she’s prettier and slimmer than me? 

Barry 

Penny, you’re identical twins, for God’s sake! 

Penny 

If I died, would you marry her? 

Barry 

Jesus, Penny. Of course not! What’s got into you? 

Penny 

You don’t like being married, then? 

Barry 

Of course I do. 

Penny 

Then why wouldn’t you think about remarrying? 

Barry 

Because I don’t want to think about it! I’m happily married to you. 

Penny 

So you love me? 

Barry 

For God’s sake, Penny, of course I do. You’re my soulmate, now and forever. What’s up? Did you have a dreadful day or something? 

Penny 

What you just said makes me feel all warm and cosy inside. I’m looking forward to a nice relaxing evening. 

Barry 

Me too. 

Penny 

I want to ask, will you always support me in everything I do? 

Barry 

No need to ask. Of course. Always have—always will. 

Penny 

I can’t tell you how good that is to hear. 

Barry 

You’re welcome. 

Penny 

Then maybe, could you help with the washing? Should be dry by now. 

Barry 

Sure. 

(He starts to move the laundry to the table, revealing a dishwasher. Barry steps back, mouth open, flabbergasted. He drops the laundry on the floor.) 

Oh my God. It’s—er—er—a … 

Penny 

Dishwasher! 

Barry 

Yes. A dishwasher. Oh, wow. Imagine that. 

(Penny collects the laundry from the floor, puts it on the table.) 

Penny 

All hooked up. All ready to go. 

Barry 

Yes. Erm. You are amazing. 

(Penny laughs and moves beside him.) 

Barry 

And not too many buttons to deal with—after all. 

(He embraces her and they kiss, as the lights fade.) 

PETER ROCHE

Peter Roche, an Englishman, retired early to focus on writing. He now lives in the Czech Republic with his Czech wife and ten-year-old son and has written three children’s books there. He recently completed a comedy/farce stage play, entitled: Last Tango, to be performed in Cheltenham, UK. He’s just completed an adult fiction thriller entitled: An Appetite To Kill, and is now, actively, seeking a publisher.