What’s Up, Doc?

CHARACTERS

Joel, man, casually dressed

Quinn, woman, casually dressed

The two actors should be of similar age.

SETTING

Present time. Living room, which serves as the doctor’s waiting room. A small table with magazines and chairs.

(Joel enters with a water bottle, sips from it, looks around, and sits. Picks up magazine from the table and looks through it. He drinks from his water bottle again. His cellphone chimes.)

Joel
Hey. I can’t talk right now. I just got to the doctor’s office. (Pause) Yes … Dr. Casey Martin, MD. Get this, he— (Pause) What? (Pause) I guess you’re right. Casey can be a girl’s name, too. I so hope the doctor’s not a female. I don’t think they get these types of “men issues.” (Pause) Yeah, that too … embarrassing as hell. But get this: he … or she … uses their home as an office. Country doctors, you gotta love ’em. (Pause) I know, right? (Pause) Yeah, I called today and got an appointment very quickly. Try that in Cleveland. (Pause) I hope he … or she … can help me. (With nervous energy) And now … I gotta go. (Pause) No, the doctor’s not ready for me already. I gotta go!

(Joel leaves the bottle on the table and exits opposite of where he entered, fast. Quinn enters and looks around. She sits and looks at magazine stack. She touches her head to indicate she has a headache. During this, there is the distant sound of a toilet flushing. With her headache, Quinn doesn’t seem to notice these sounds. Joel enters wiping his hand on a paper towel. He throws the towel in a garbage can and shakes Quinn’s hand.)

Hi.

Quinn
Hello there.

Joel
I’m new in town and—

Quinn
Me, too. Six days, four hours and—well, almost a whole week.

Joel
Almost two weeks for me. How do you like Brownsburg?

Quinn
Great place to live. And work. (Under her breath) I hope.

Joel
I know, right?

Quinn
I mean, I’m getting used to it.

Joel
This is the picture of a sleepy town.

Quinn
Everywhere you look, it seems like a Norman Rockwell painting—quaint, pristine…

Joel
Lovely … and lonely. I wish I could meet some people and start living again.

Quinn 
Yeah, me too. I feel like I’ve been abandoned in the middle of the wilderness. I’m used to big cities.

Joel
Me too—Cleveland, Ohio. (Drinks from his water bottle)

Quinn
Indianapolis, New Haven, London, Denver, Beijing, Denver again, Toledo—uh, the one in Spain, not the one in Ohio—and now Brownsburg. Me and the other 26,397 Brownsburgeans.

Joel
Doctors Without Borders?

Quinn
What about it?

Joel
Doctors don’t usually move from city to city.

Quinn
Well, some do.

Joel
Not me. I lived in Cleveland all my life. Until Brownsburg.

Quinn
Case Western Medical School? It’s the only med school in Cleveland, right?

Joel
Uh, I think so. Not sure.

Quinn
I’m surprised you don’t know.

Joel
Cleveland is a big city.

Quinn
Well, yes, but …

Joel
Where did you go to school?

Quinn
Yale.

Joel
Ah, New Haven, Connecticut. That was on the list of many cities.

Quinn
(Another headache gesture) I’m having one of those headaches. Do you mind if we get down to business? As it were.

Joel
Yes, please. I, too, need to get down to business… as it were.

Quinn
So …

Joel
So …

Quinn
Here or …?

Joel
You tell me.

Quinn
It’s up to me?

Joel
Well, yeah. It’s up to you.

Quinn
OK, cool. Here’s fine. I guess. (Looking around the room nervously) Are you expecting anybody else?

Joel
Anybody else?

Quinn
Patients?

Joel
Are you asking me if other patients will be coming in?

Quinn
Is there like a schedule?

Joel
I imagine people come and go without an actual schedule.

Quinn
To each his own.

Joel
It is your gig, though. Why don’t you—

Quinn
My gig? What do you mean?

Joel
You’re in charge.

Quinn
No, you are.

Joel
That’s sweet of you, but…

Quinn
But…

Joel
I’m used to a nurse.

Quinn
And a secretary at the front desk.

Joel
Off today?

Quinn
I’m good with that. Where do we…?

Joel
Talk and …

Quinn
I’m not much for talking right now, I’m sorry. I have the biggest headache.

Joel
I can make another appointment. You may feel better by tomorrow.

Quinn
No, I was hoping for today … (gestures to indicate she’s getting another headache)

Joel
Oh—excuse me—I have to—

(Joel exits fast. Door closing, then toilet flushing. Joel enters drying his hands on a paper towel. Quinn slowly recuperates from her headache.)

Like a racehorse!

Quinn
These headaches come and go. It’s getting worse.

Joel
My pee problem too.

Quinn
Pee problem?

Joel
Are you working today despite your headache?

Quinn
I just need help.

Joel
So, you’re not open today?

Quinn
My office is open, but I couldn’t—

Joel
The office is open, but you’re not working?

Quinn
Right.

Joel
I understand if you can’t see me today … but I was really hoping…

Quinn
No, I want to see you. Today. I really need … let’s do this!

Joel
(Sitting) OK.

Quinn
(Sitting) OK.

Joel
(Moment of silence. Joel takes a sip of water) You start.

Quinn
Don’t you want to ask me questions?

Joel
Oh, you want me to start? With questions?

Quinn
Or I can just tell you about my awful headaches.

Joel
Physician, heal thyself, right?

Quinn
I don’t care who does the healing. Make these headaches go away.

Joel
OK, here goes … This is difficult for me.

Quinn
I’d think you’d be used to different medical issues.

Joel
Oh, no, this is my first. Do you think it’s an STD?

Quinn
A sexually transmitted disease?

Joel
I hope it isn’t that.

Quinn
Why are you telling me this? Do you always share your—

Joel
(Whispering, embarrassed) I don’t have an STD! Do I?

Quinn
Can you help with my headaches or not?

Joel
Oh, wait—I —I gotta go!

(Joel exits fast. Same as before. Joel enters drying his hands on a paper towel. Meanwhile, Quinn tries calming her headache with deep breaths and meditation.)

How do I spell relief? P-E-E-I-N-G!

Quinn
What’s wrong with you?

Joel
I don’t know, but I hope it’s not an STD.

Quinn
If not an STD, could it be a UTI?

Joel
A what?

Quinn
A urinary tract infection?

Joel
It’s not an STD. I’m—I don’t—I’m not— It must be a UTI.

Quinn
Maybe you’re a diabetic.

Joel
A diabetic?

Quinn
Don’t they pee a lot?

Joel
Yeah, they do. My cousin has diabetes—

Quinn
Something to do with the high blood sugar … but you know that.

Joel
Still … I need your help.

Quinn
You need my help?

(Quinn has another headache. She stands. Joel drinks.)

I wish these headaches would stop. Can you help me?

Joel
I can try. Is it stress? Do you feel uptight? Here, sit down.

(Quinn sits down. Joel nervously looks around behind her back and reluctantly massages her shoulders.)

Quinn
Oh wow. That’s—yeah, that’s— My headache is finally easing up.

Joel
You have a lot of stress here. Your muscles are so tight…

Quinn
Much better. Wow, I’m so much better. Thank you.

Joel
I’m glad you’re feeling better. I wish I felt better.

Quinn
Kidney stone!

Joel
Are you sure?

Quinn
Wait, isn’t it your job to be sure? My headache is returning.

(Joel had eased up. More aggressive massaging now.)

Joel
Definitely stress. How’s this?

Quinn
Oh yeah! Better. Much better.

Joel
You’re having classic stress headaches.

Quinn
The move here has been very stressful. And not knowing anyone … Being secluded and all. Oh, please don’t stop.

Joel
Oh, sure. (Resumes massaging)

Quinn
Alcohol?

Joel
What?

Quinn
Alcohol makes me pee like a firehose at full blast. Do you—

Joel
I’m not an alcoholic. I drink a Merlot with dinner, sometimes. And a few beers in the summer.

Quinn
I didn’t mean to imply you were an alcoholic.

Joel
I haven’t had any alcohol for three … no, four days.

Quinn
Probably not that.

(Joel stops massaging and sips water from his bottle.)

Oh, please don’t stop. You’re doing miracles for my headache.

Joel
Do you think we should do some tests?

Quinn
Sure. If that’ll help. What kind of tests?

Joel
You tell me.

Quinn
I tell you?

Joel
To see if I’m diabetic. Or have a UTI. Or … kidney stones … or STD. It can’t be STD. I don’t know, whatever else may be causing me to pee so much.

(Joel sips water again. This time Quinn really notices.)

Quinn
How much water do you drink?

Joel
I love water.

Quinn
Yeah, but how much?

Joel
Since the move, I’ve been drinking more. My security blankie.

Quinn
More like a security binky. My headache… I’m feeling much better.

Joel
I bet you’re right. I pee more because I drink more. Duh!

Joel Quinn
Thank you so much, Doctor. Thanks for your help, Doctor.

Joel Quinn
I thought you were the... You’re not the…?

Joel
So, we both suffer from a lot of stress from our moves!

Quinn
And loneliness!

Joel
What are you doing Friday night?

(Quinn scribbles her name and phone number on a piece of paper and hands it to Joel.)

Quinn
Pick me up at 7!

(Joel drops his water bottle in the garbage. Quinn gestures to indicate her headaches are gone. They exit.)

End of play.

L. JAN EIRA

L. Jan Eira is a cardiologist, novelist, and playwright based in Indianapolis. Born in Portugal and raised in the United States, he balances a successful medical career at Franciscan Health Indianapolis with a deep passion for storytelling. He stages one or two of his plays yearly, mainly in central Indiana. Follow him at www.theMDwriter.com.