Absolution
CHARACTERS: Priest, in his 50s; Augie 30s-40s
SETTING: Confessional in a Catholic Church.
At rise, PRIEST in the confessional, reading. AUGIE enters the confessional, kneels. PRIEST puts reading down, opens the portal.
AUGIE
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. In the many years since my last confession, I have committed murder.
PRIEST
Murder!?
AUGIE
Many times, Father.
PRIEST
Many times?!?
AUGIE
Thousands, I guess. Sometimes with my bare hands. Sometimes with a knife. Usually, I prefer a gun.
PRIEST
And you’ve done this thousands of times?!?
AUGIE
Yes, Father, in a recurring dream.
PRIEST
Ah, a dream.
AUGIE
Do you have nightmares, Father?
PRIEST
Have you prayed for help with these dreams?
AUGIE
I’m unable to pray, Father. I no longer believe.
PRIEST
I see. But you’re here now, so at some point you must have believed. How long have you had this crisis of faith?
AUGIE
Since my confirmation.
PRIEST
You’re not alone. Many people are pulled away from the Faith today. But the Lord is always here for you. All you have to do is reach out.
AUGIE
I loved the church as a boy. I loved the theater of it, the beauty of the ritual, the mystery of the sacraments. When I was—what is the word I’m looking for?—disabused. Yes, that’s it. When I was disabused of the mystery, I felt as though my mother had been murdered.
A pause.
PRIEST
Have you been to Mass recently?
AUGIE
No. It would be hypocritical.
PRIEST
Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all sinners. Everyone has doubts. But even in doubt, the act can be enough. The act itself can bestow grace through the mystery of the sacraments.
AUGIE
Fake it till you make it, as they say?
PRIEST
We must lean on the sacraments passed down from Jesus through St. Peter and all his successors.
AUGIE
It’s hard to believe when so much evil in the world seems to thrive. Why is there such evil in the world, Father? Where does it come from?
PRIEST
‘I sought whence evil comes and there was no solution,’ said St. Augustine.
AUGIE
That’s from his ‘Confessions.’ Right, Father?
PRIEST
That’s right! You’re familiar with his writings?
AUGIE
I’m his namesake. I’ve read him. I like him. He had doubts. I can relate.
PRIEST
I’m sure Augustine’s writings are more persuasive than anything I can say.
AUGIE
St. Augustine couldn’t figure things out. Then the boy appeared to him on the beach, trying to scoop out all the water in the ocean with a seashell. Remember that one, Father?
PRIEST
Of course. One of the great teachings on understanding the Holy Trinity.
AUGIE
Puny human understanding cannot comprehend the totality of God, any more than a boy can empty the ocean with a seashell.
PRIEST
That was the parable.
AUGIE
Augustine thought the boy was an angel. I wish I could meet one. He might help me with my doubts. Did you ever see any boy-angels, Father?
PRIEST
Not that I’m aware of.
AUGIE
Do you ever have doubts?
PRIEST
Yes, of course. As a young man I, too, was lost. I despaired. Now I know my crisis of faith was a blessing, because it forced me to turn to the Church. Our Lord had doubts in the Garden of Gethsemane. If I said I have no doubts, I’d be putting myself above the Lord.
AUGIE
And that would be the sin of Pride. Wouldn’t it, Father?
PRIEST
Of the seven deadly sins perhaps the deadliest.
AUGIE
Yes. Pride’s the big one. That’s what the nuns used to say.
PRIEST
You attended Catholic school?
AUGIE
St. James parish. You familiar with it?
A pause.
PRIEST
That was my first parish.
AUGIE
I’ve committed the sin of pride so often I can’t even count. Check that one off. What are the others? Sloth? Well, sometimes I’m too lazy to get out of bed. I lie there thinking, ‘What’s the use?’
PRIEST
That sounds more like depression than sloth.
AUGIE
Gluttony? Keep me away from potato chips. Those thick, greasy ones, I’ll polish off a jumbo bag in two minutes. I have to watch the ice cream, too. Actually, I struggled with overeating when I was in my teens. My therapist said I was using food as an emotional crutch, repressing shame and anger. If he only knew. I was too ashamed to tell even my therapist about my shame.
PRIEST
Couldn’t you tell your parents?
AUGIE
They were busy praying very hard for my soul. Then of course came the alcohol, the pot, crack, coke. All the party drugs. Hours of rehab and thousands of dollars.
PRIEST
Addictions are not necessarily mortal sins, my son.
AUGIE
No?
PRIEST
Overcoming them has a lot to do with easing the burden of shame. Christ can surely help with that. Christ was human, with human weaknesses.
AUGIE
Trust in a higher power. That’s why I’m here, to get down with the Lord. So, yeah, pride, sloth, gluttony. What else? Envy? Sure, I envy just about anybody who isn’t me. Well, that’s not true. There I go, lying. Add another Hail Mary.
He begins rattling off the prayer, like an announcer reading fast until he runs out of breath.
AUGIE
There’s always somebody who’s got it worse, right Father?
PRIEST
One doesn’t have to look far to find the afflicted, the destitute.
AUGIE
But I do envy folks who don’t have nightmares. Let’s see: Greed? I have done a lot of things for money: lied, cheated, stolen. I’ve sold my body. Oh, but I do wish I could have nice things: clothes, a big television, a big house, a car that’s smarter than I am. I want all those things. I’m practically drenched in good old American greed. But I’ve heard the Vatican’s got quite a bit stashed away, so I don’t feel too bad.
PRIEST
The important thing is to share your blessings and not let material possessions govern you.
AUGIE
Which brings us to the most popular sin, lust. We’ve all got that itch, don’t we Father?
A pause.
AUGIE
Did Jesus ever get laid, Father? Tradition says he was celibate, but even holy men get horny, right Father? ‘Give me chastity,’ St. Augustine said, ‘but not yet.’
PRIEST
Jesus was tolerant of weakness of the flesh. He walked with Mary Magdalene.
AUGIE
How about the Apostles? You think they ever got it on?
PRIEST
Let me interrupt you for a moment, um, Augustine?
AUGIE
Augie.
PRIEST
You don’t seem to be . . . I’m not feeling sincere repentance. I can’t . . . I can’t grant absolution for a litany of anger.
AUGIE
A litany of anger. Exactly. A very deadly sin, anger. I have a great deal of anger, Father. Carried around inside for years, commit the sin of anger just about every minute, waking and sleeping, twenty-four-seven, eat, breathe, and shit anger, and in my mind, I murder the same man over and over.
PRIEST AUGIE
Pray with me, let’s make
a good act of Contrition:— I’ve sinned so much it feels
Oh my God, I am heartily like grace to me, Father.
sorry for having offended
thee and I detest all my Anger was my biggest addiction,
sins because I dread the
loss of heaven, and the the one I could never kick.
pains of hell—
AUGIE
Who are you kidding, Father? You’re right at home in hell.
PRIEST
Pray with me. Pray with me for guidance.
AUGIE
Remember the last time we prayed together, Father? In the vestry at St. James thirty years ago? I was your altar boy? Waiting for my parents to pick me up after Mass?
PRIEST
You misunderstood. It was a benediction.
AUGIE
After I sobered up, I did a little research. I followed your career through six parishes. You never stayed in one place very long and you never rose above parish priest.
PRIEST
I serve where God calls me to serve.
AUGIE
Then there were the rumors swirling at the seminary.
PRIEST
All started by enemies to discredit me, block my advancement.
AUGIE
And other boys? How many were there?
PRIEST
I have confessed my sins. I have confessed my sins. And received absolution.
AUGIE
I came here today to give you something.
He pulls a gun.
AUGIE
A holy relic.
PRIEST bolts from the confessional.
AUGIE intercepts him in front of the confessional.
They stand face to face, AUGIE pointing the gun at PRIEST.
AUGIE
For a long time, I said my rosary on this gun. I’d empty it, then with each bullet I loaded, I’d say a Hail Mary. Then I’d put the gun to my head and say an Our Father, always intending to pull the trigger right after ‘deliver us from evil.’ I don’t know why I never did. I don’t know what stopped me. Some angel? I think it was Augustine. ‘He who kills himself is a murderer,’ said Augustine. Whatever else I am, I am not a murderer . . . outside of my dreams. This is for you, Father. Call it an offering. A penance.
AUGIE puts the gun in PRIEST’s hand.
I’m late for an appointment with the Bishop. I’m going to see if he can help me with these nightmares. But I’m not hopeful.
I guess you’d have to say I’ve lost my faith.
AUGIE exits.
PRIEST watches him, then slowly lifts his hand holding the gun to look at it.
The lights fade.
MICHAEL WATERSON
Michael Waterson is a retired journalist originally from Pittsburgh. His career includes stints as a forest firefighter, San Francisco taxi driver, and wine educator. He earned an MFA from Mills College. His poetry has appeared in numerous journals, and several of his one act plays have been produced.