Goodbye Party
Setting: An office after a good-bye party
Characters: Samantha, 50ish, office manager
Adrianna, 30, part of the office pool
SCENE: An office after a goodbye party. Samantha is cleaning up; she thinks a colleague is with her.
SAMANTHA
Loooooongest two weeks in office history.
(Adrianna enters, Samantha doesn’t hear her, picks up an empty bowl.)
Looks like she finally had ice cream, guess she’s really celebrating.
(She picks up a noisemaker.)
Hey, remember when she called the news to tell about our bed bug infestation? Freakishly paranoid, crazy-ass loon.
(She blows on the noisemaker, turns, face to face with Adrianna.)
ADRIANNA
Bed bugs are a serious threat.
SAMANTHA
Jesus! It’s like you’re invisible. Did you hear me? I thought I was talking to Diane.
ADRIANNA
They were closing down offices everywhere.
SAMANTHA
Not bed bugs. Lint.
ADRIANNA
We didn’t know that at the time.
(She grabs a shopping bag to gather belongings on her desk.)
SAMANTHA
(Holding up a container of ice cream)
Adrien. Have some more ice cream! Otherwise, I’m gonna have to throw it out.
ADRIANNA
I can’t. Lactose intolerant.
SAMANTHA
You had some before, the damage is already done. I’m gonna have cake.
(She does.)
Come ooooon. Don’t let it go to waste!
ADRIANNA
Don’t throw it out. The custodial staff’ll have a fit. The mess.
SAMANTHA
Sooooo, have some.
(Adrianna sits reluctantly, has some ice cream.)
Screw lactose intolerance!
ADRIANNA
Yeah, it’ll be okay. I won’t be around anymore.
SAMANTHA
So dramatic.
(Adrianna picks up her belongings, including a nameplate, slides them into the shopping bag.)
Why are you leaving? You can tell me. What’s the big secret? You joining the CIA?
ADRIANNA
(Laughing)
No . . .
SAMANTHA
Okay honey, we gotta talk about something. Why’d you come back just now, whad’ya forget?
(Adrianna pulls her nameplate out of the shopping bag.)
Aaahh, you definitely need that in the CIA. They need to know your name!
ADRIANNA
Ha.
(A pause)
It’s just, it meant a lot to me that you guys. You know. That the company thought I was important enough.
(Samantha stops eating the cake.)
SAMANTHA
Adrien, of course you’re important.
ADRIANNA
(Finger-spelling it on the nameplate) A-d-r-i-a-n-n-a.
SAMANTHA
Oh. Adrianna. That’s so pretty.
ADRIANNA
I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. That’s why this was, you know, kind of important. It’s correct on the nameplate. That’s all that matters. And this party. Thank you for this. Really. It meant a lot.
SAMANTHA
Of course, honey, I do it for everyone. You know, everyone I’ll miss . . . special important people . . . like you.
(Adrianna puts the nameplate in the bag, turns to leave.)
Where you going?
(A pause)
ADRIANNA
Home, I guess. It’s after hours. I don’t work here anymore.
SAMANTHA
Why’d you quit? Adrianna. I want to know. Please.
ADRIANNA
Time . . .
SAMANTHA
Fooooorrrr . . .
ADRIANNA
It’s not a big deal or anything, but it’s my thirtieth birthday today.
SAMANTHA
What???? Come oooooon! That you should have told us.
ADRIANNA
The party was enough.
SAMANTHA
We’re going out. Where’s my bag?
(She searches for it, finds it.)
ADRIANNA
I have plans, I can’t, I had that ice cream, I know it’s not going to sit well.
SAMANTHA
Your thirtieth is going to be more than just lactose intolerance, baby. Let’s go.
ADRIANNA
Your bag was on the carpet, be careful, bed bugs get in it, and that’s how they get in your home. I’m gonna go.
SAMANTHA
No, I need to make it up to you, for what I said.
(A pause)
We need to celebrate.
ADRIANNA
We did already, it was lovely and it meant a lot. It was important to me, I wasn’t sure you would.
SAMANTHA
Something’s not making sense here.
ADRIANNA
(Clutching stomach, heads for the door)
I gotta . . .
SAMANTHA
(Interrupting)
Did you quit so you could have the party?
(Adrianna stops.)
Oh, sweetie.
(She puts her arm around Adrianna, who pulls away.)
ADRIANNA
Don’t feel sorry for me.
SAMANTHA
I don’t.
ADRIANNA
Yes, you do.
SAMANTHA
And you don’t have another job. Do you?
ADRIANNA
I won’t be needing another job.
(A pause)
SAMANTHA
(Motioning to the table)
Come. Sit with me. Please.
ADRIANNA
I have to go.
(A pause)
SAMANTHA
Quit your job on your birthday, ate ice cream. Why?
ADRIANNA
I just wanted to treat myself just once before . . .
SAMANTHA
Before what? Jesus, you’re impossible. Just say it!
(Adrianna sits.)
ADRIANNA
This is my last day, and I, uh, I wanted a party, OK, my whole life, my WHOLE life, I just, I don’t have parties, I’m the last pick on the team, the one with no lines in the school play, the butt of all of the office jokes, I just wanted to just celebrate a little, that’s all, one last time, one first time, actually, you said it yourself, I’m invisible . . .
SAMANTHA
Oh honey, I mouth off all the time.
ADRIANNA
God. I sound like a self-pitying jerk, but I’m thirty years old. I seem to have fallen through the cracks. That’s all. It’s time to go.
SAMANTHA
We’re not talking about the job. Are we?
ADRIANNA
What? Yeah, sure.
SAMANTHA
Cuz honey, if I go on Facebook tomorrow and see your photo with long goodbyes from your third grade babysitter, I am going to be piiiiiiiissed.
ADRIANNA
I don’t think leaving my job will have that kind of impact.
SAMANTHA
You know what I’m talking about.
(A pause; Adrianna stands.)
ADRIANNA
I’m going. I have plans.
SAMANTHA
Yeah, OK. But before you “leave your job,” let me tell you something. You do sound like a self-pitying jerk, and when —
ADRIANNA
Yeah, I —
SAMANTHA
(Overlapping)
— someone tells you that, you should be all up in their face.
ADRIANNA
I don’t want to cause trouble.
SAMANTHA
Mmmhmmmm, that’s right. Walk around this office slumped over like your life is one big apology. Well guess what? It isn’t. Start standing up straight.
(She grabs Adrianna by the shoulders, tries to straighten her out.)
ADRIANNA
Samantha, stop! I gotta go.
SAMANTHA
Don’t you tell me to stop. You know what kinda position you put me in, Miss Self-Pity? You keep walking around like the world is steamrolling you, then guess what? It will.
ADRIANNA
I gave two week’s notice, and if you haven’t found someone, that’s not my —
SAMANTHA
(Interrupting)
STOP! You know what I’m talking about. You had ice cream today cuz you’re not planning on being around by the time it hits your intestines, am I right?
ADRIANNA
You’re a bit of a bully, Samantha. I don’t like to say it, but you leave me no choice.
SAMANTHA
Bully? You turn thirty and decide to kill yourself, you know what? Go ahead.
(She grabs the ice cream and shoves it at Adrianna’s mouth)
Come on, here! Go out with a bang!
(Adrianna resists, struggles to back away)
ADRIANNA
You’re a big, fat, middle-aged bully with no fucking life, and every day I stare at you thinking, this is my future. Well, you know what, if you’re my future, then I don’t want a future. I don’t want to be stuck in a cubicle with fluorescent lighting showing the bags under my eyes. I can’t be you, I won’t be you.
(Samantha stops suddenly and drops the ice cream. Adrianna, shocked by her own strength, covers
her mouth. A pause. She takes her hands away.)
I’m so sorry.
SAMANTHA
See what happens when you change your posture?
ADRIANNA
I didn’t mean it.
SAMANTHA
Bullshit. And you know what the difference is between you and me, little girl? You get what you see. Bully. Fine. Go kill yourself, but know this, you are the bully. You pushed me into throwing you a Goddamn party, staying late on a Friday night to try to save your miserable life, and by the way, you’re not lactose intolerant, you’re just freaking paranoid. So go kill yourself, but just know this. You already are me.
ADRIANNA
You . . . think I’m a bully?
(Samantha cleans up the party debris.)
SAMANTHA
I thought you had plans. Get outta here. I gotta clean up.
(Samantha ties up a garbage bag and walks to leave, but Adrianna is in the way.)
Get outta my way, little girl.
ADRIANNA
You said I was a bully.
SAMANTHA
I have had enough. Get outta here before I kill you myself.
ADRIANNA
I . . . I don’t want to go home. I don’t really want to do it.
SAMANTHA
Then don’t. It’s as simple as that.
ADRIANNA
But then what . . . I . . . I quit my job . . . everything.
SAMANTHA
Adrianna . . . my dear . . . I don’t know why I am even talking to you after you just pierced my heart with that little bit of truth back there, but let me tell you what keeps me going, because if you think you got a corner on the market of self-pity, you are wrong. Everyone . . . everyone . . . thinks about knocking themselves off. You are not unique. Here’s the difference. I don’t give up. Ev-er. You said you fell through the cracks. You know what falls through cracks? Seeds. That’s right, and I’m not talking about grass and dandelions, cuz that’s true, too, every spring you see those suckers bursting through the sidewalk . . . that’s right . . . concrete . . . right through the cracks, but better than that . . . trees, man . . . trees growing out of rocks . . . right outside this soul-sucking corporate park . . . you gotta look to see them, but they’re there . . . and you know what? It took ’em years . . . years to find their way out of that rock, but guess what? They will be here long after any of us. They fell through cracks, too, and then went right back out with all gnarly bark and shit, but they’re big and beautiful and unapologetic . . . and that’s what I’m waiting for under these fluorescent lights . . . to bust outta the ground all big and beautiful and tell the world that I am here, this is my place, and fuck you if you don’t like it!
(A pause)
Jesus . . . you got nothing to say after that? This is why people think you’re invisible. They show you their heart, and you just stare at it like it’s not there.
ADRIANNA
Actually. I think I do have something to say. I think you’re right, I’m not lactose intolerant because I would be running to the bathroom, and I’m not, so that means . . .
(Samantha, with the garbage, heads for the exit.)
No, wait!
(Samantha stops.)
(Adrianna takes her nameplate out of the bag, puts it on the desk.)
See you Monday?
(Samantha smiles, hands Adrianna the garbage.)
SAMANTHA
On your way out, put it by the front door.
(As Adrianna leaves)
Happy birthday, little girl.
(SLOW FADE TO BLACK)
GABRIELLE FOX
Gabrielle Fox is an award-winning playwright. Her work is included in The Best New Ten-Minute Plays 2021. She founded and produced Glass Ceiling Breakers, the first women’s playwright festival in the Hudson Valley. She created the Theatre Revolution and is a proud member of The Dramatists Guild.